BORED~! Cave Fever, A Genbu Akugi Fic
by the Red Nothing
Summary: In Episode 34, Hikitsu and Tomite claim they've been guarding the Shinzaho for 200 years. So how did the prevent themselves from going psycho?! Or TRY to prevent? XD Not sure if must-read, but sorta funny, IMHO. Rated PG for mild cursing and bad humor. Sp


Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi. Nor do I own Hikitsu and Tomite. :( But I _DO_ own FY-related characters, like Aoi *GLOMP!* and Rasukonza!!!  
  
Rasukonza: .  
  
Also! I have NOTHING against the Genbu Shichiseishi. In fact, I love 'em! I just had to "baka-ify" them (particularly Hikitsu ^^; ) for the sake of humor. Gomen!  
  
This ficcy is dedicated to Ryuuen, who has to brave her horrid schoolwork, and Ou Douken/Emily, who loves Chiriko because she has damn good taste!! ^_^ This is for you, minna!  
  
Right! On with da fic, no da. ~.^;;;;;;  
  
Bored~!  
  
~*Genbu Shichiseishi....*~  
  
Genbu-seikun's voice echoed throughout the icy fields of Hokkan-koku. The heads and ghostly mirages of the Seven Celestial Warriors of Genbu snapped up to stare at the human embodiment of their god.  
  
Now, though no one really wanted to SAY it, but the looks of this god were somewhat...lacking. Particularly to the three ladies, Iname, Namame, and Uruki.   
  
"We heard the four gods were CUTE," complained Namame with a flick of her hair. OK, so she was a bit annoying... But they were all in the same boat, eg, DEAD, as well as their beloved miko.  
  
~*As a testament to serving Genbu no Miko...~*  
  
Hikitsu finally got *pissed off* and interrupted the deity rather rudely. "Listen, Genbu-seibaka, we fight for our miko, we DIE for our miko, and what do you do?! You _SCREW_ our miko!! Blah blah fight fight love love, and you DEVOUR her!?" He waved his hands about frantically. "And NOW you say, 'As a testament to serving Takiko-san, whom I-'"And here Hikitsu used an expletive-verb that I really cannot repeat, " 'you must...' Genbu-only knows what!!! OH! I'm SORRY! You don't know EITHER?!" He began to mutter darkly.  
  
There was a long, uncomfortable pause as Genbu-seikun stood there. The three ghostly and four human figures stood there as well, sweatdropping.   
  
"Also," the normally-solemn but clearly-irked Tomite piped up, breaking the silence, "why the hell do I have to wear this freaking hat even though I'm DEAD!?" He flicked the offending headware with a translucent finger, getting absolutely no results. "It makes my head look the size of a marble!!!"  
  
More silence.  
  
Genbu-seikun massaged His temples slooowly. ~*Well then.*~ He sighed. ~*Guess who gets to guard the Shinzaho for all eternity if need be...?*~  
  
====  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG~!!!  
  
The huge metallic doors of the Cavern of Mount Black slammed shut, blocking all of the sunlight from Tomite and Hikitsu, the last sunlight they were likely to see.  
  
"Well *shit*," Hikitsu muttered. "That thing isn't gonna open unless we get some super-strong crossdresser with wolf-claws through his torso the crack it open."  
  
Somewhere in the cave, somehow, a dog barked.  
  
"Uhm." Tomite said, sweatdropping.   
  
Tomite looked down at his hand, where he was holding a ...thing, despite the fact that his fingers no longer existed on the physical plane. He fingered it. "So, uh, we hafta guard this... Thing?"  
  
"It's the Shinzaho," Hikitsu explained. Tomite nodded.  
  
"Ah, the Shinzaho." Blink. "What the hell's a Shinzaho?"  
  
Blink blink. "Damned if I know."  
  
Tomite rolled his eyes and shoved the Whatever into his nonexistent pocket. "Right, so we'll, ah, 'guard' this from the hoards of people in here." The sarcasm was more than slightly evident.  
  
Hikitsu and Tomite decided to explore their surroundings. They found that the cave they were in was... Big. While there were many icicles and, for some strange reason, human bones, there were no Playboy magazines, nor Espresso machines, whatsoever.  
  
"Well, that sucks," Tomite commented dryly.   
  
Hikitsu, however, had found something most interesting. "Hey, hat-boy!" He called. "Have a look at this!"   
  
Muttering expletives to rival those of a certain future fanged seishi of the far south, Tomite stood from where he had been tracing figures of Genbu-seikun with rabbit ears (the beard had already been done) with an old bone and walked over to where his 'oniisan' was standing.  
  
"Do NOT call me that," Tomite grumbled irately. Hikitsu beamed proudly.  
  
"I found a door!"   
  
Tomite looked up... And up... And up... Sure enough, there were a pair of huge carved doors, much like those outside, standing in his path.  
  
However, Tomite was less than impressed. "And?" He queried, raising a thin black eyebrow.  
  
"Uhh..." Hikitsu searched for words. "They're... Big?"  
  
Throwing up his hands in exasperation, Tomite wandered to a corner of the cave and began to brood, something I suppose ghosts have to be good at.  
  
***  
  
The next few months were rather uneventful. They consisted mainly of Hikitsu doing stupid things, and Tomite constantly trying to correct and rebuke the older seishi, who in turn would make smart-alecky comments about said adopted younger brother's 'Eternal Hat'. The problem was that, as the months wore on, it had begun to be so boring that the Genbu Duo were reaching the brink of insanity. Finally, Hikitsu snapped.  
  
"Hey, Tomite-chan," he said one day, walking over to the seishi who was now tracing something that resembled more 'The Last Supper' than anything else into the snow. "Wanna play cards?"  
  
Tomite sighed heavily. "Oniichan, we don't HAVE any cards."  
  
Hikitsu paused for a moment, pondering what to do about this recent stick in his wheels. Finally, a solution arrived.  
  
"Shut up, Hat-boy."  
  
Tomite groaned and threw a skull at Hikitsu's face. It, of course, sailed right through.  
  
One night, several months, or maybe years, later, Tomite was awakened from his sleep. The Four Gods only know why ghosts need to sleep -probably for sheer nostalgia- but whatever the reason, Tomite was jarred from it. He was awakened by a rather odd sound.  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCH!!!  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
All right, so it wasn't as 'odd' as it was 'loud as all hell,' but it definitely woke Tomite up from his dreamless, needless sleep. Still echoing in his head, he rubbed his eyes sleepily to make sure he was really awake, not merely dreaming.  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
CLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
Oh yes, Tomite was definitely more than awake.  
  
As his eyes adjusting to the darkness (which was always there anyway), Tomite could make out the form of Hikitsu, dwarfed by the 'Doors of Spiffiness' (as Tomite had dubbed them, due to Hikitsu's boundless enthusiasm toward them), green chi crackling about his long-haired form, and toward the doors....  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
"Hikitsu," Tomite said blearily, "what in the name of Seiryuu's Prozac are you DOING?!"  
  
Hikitsu grinned like a madman. "Lookit, Tomite!" He exclaimed, preparing another chi blast, "I can make the Big Doors open..."  
  
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
"...and close!"  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
"...open..."  
  
CRRRRAAAAAAAAAANGCH!!!  
  
"...and close!"  
  
CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!  
  
"...ope-"  
  
"ALL RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!" Tomite screamed, leaving the doors half '...open...', "I get it, I GET it; It's WONDERFUL, oniichan," he was nearly sobbing, "just please, PLEASE...!"  
  
"Ooh, ooh!" Hikitsu chanted, totally ignoring his fellow seishi. "Let's see what's inside!!" Tomite smacked his forehead.  
  
"Let's not." But Hikitsu had already merrily skipped inside.  
  
"It's white and icy in here, Tomite!" He shouted gleefully, prancing about the slick floor. Tomite growled.  
  
"It's white and icy EVERYWHERE, oniichan." But this place was perhaps even whiter and icier than the rest of the cave. The floor was smooth, slick ice, and the walls were crystalline.  
  
However, that was about it. It room was totally, utterly, empty.  
  
As Hikitsu hopped about joyfully, Tomite sweatdropped and mumbled to himself:  
  
"Just how sucky can one single place get?"  
  
***  
A couple of decades passed, with Tomite and Hikitsu slowly going further insane during them. The only saving factor, for Hikitsu anyway, was the discovery of the Ultry-Spiffy Chamber of Prettiness, where he spend several hours... Staring. (At least it kept him out of Tomite's hat -er, hair.) Other than that, Hikitsu and Tomite did many engrossing activities such as sulking, belching, and being thoroughly pissed off at each other. Although, at times, they got along long enough to play fascinating games, such as eye spy.  
  
"I spy, with my unpatched eye, something blue."  
  
"The frozen corpses?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That thick icicle?"  
  
"The Liquid Drain-O frozen on the floor that we tried to use to end this misery, only to realize we were already dead?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I give up."  
  
"Your freaking hat!! HAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"Would you JUST, shut UP, dammit?!"  
  
And so on, and so on. Then one day, after they had been imprisoned for approximately a century, Hikitsu came up with a *shudder* idea.   
  
It all started as Tomite, out of severe boredom, was practicing ice sculpting with his ice-blasting powers. He was now able to create snakes, Munchkins, and the little dude from the Bell Tire commercials. Hikitsu, now with considerably less spring in his float, came on over.  
  
"Tomite-chan," he said. "I have an idea."  
  
"Dear Genbu," Tomite growled, too exasperated to remember he HATED said deity. "What is it now?"  
  
"Remember that Whatever?" Hikitsu said hopefully. Tomite fished it out of his pocket disdainfully. "What, this P.O.S.? What do you want with it?"  
  
Hikitsu shuffled his feet. "Suppose we make a little shrine to it in The Pretty Room..."  
  
Tomite shook his head sadly. "Just stop now, Gantai-chan. [1]"  
  
"Uresai, Ozajiki no Atama. [2]"  
  
Being unable to argue with that (and the five-hundred-and-fourty-six consecutive hours of whining which followed), Tomite begrudgingly followed his fellow-seishi with a scowl on his features. Several hours...or months...or years...or decades... later, the two had successfully formed an adequate shrine to the thingy, made entirely out of popsicle sticks and Elmer's Glue (coated with ice, courtesy of Tomite, of course).  
  
"It needs pillars," Hikitsu stated. Tomite waved his hand, sending torrents of ice shooting up from the shiny floor.  
  
"Pillars." He said in the most monotonous monotone imaginable. Hikitsu looked satisfied. He gleefully placed the Whatever on the cute little pedestal.  
  
Thus, it promptly collapsed.  
  
****  
  
Several years later, the "stupid shitty little shrine" had FINALLY been rebuilt. Hikitsu and Tomite were barely speaking. On a very, very, VERY boring winter morning (eg, the same level of interest as all OTHER mornings, only with the added possibility of freezing to death, though Hikitsu and Tomite were already dead -damn pessimists), while Hikitsu was hanging from an icicle bat-like, and Tomite was busy storing the script of 1997's "Titanic" to memory, there was a loud, pain-filled, "URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!" at the front door.  
  
One particularly long, depressing Episode 33 later, six weirdoes entered the cavern.  
  
"WHAM!!!"  
  
Hikitsu's icicle broke, causing Tomite to smile for the first time in centuries. Unfortunatly, the two seishi were so severely irked at existence in general that they didn't give half a moment before they decided to beat the shit out of them. (Tomite was so bored he actually used the snakes as an attack...)  
  
"Oh, you're Suzaku Shichiseishi?!" Hikitsu exclaimed gleefully. Tomite could see that, indeed, they freaking were, little pretty red symbols and all. But by the Gods, he hadn't gotten any in two centuries....  
  
So they forced the miko to strip, which was all well and good, and then they give the bastards the Whatever which, for some freaked-up reason, seemed to make them immensely happy. Tomite noticed with a rather annoyed air that Hikitsu would not shut up around the seishi, probably grateful he had someone to talk to who wouldn't retaliate with violence. Finally, it was time to say good-bye.  
  
"When these doors close, we shall return to Heaven," Hikitsu said levelly. The Suzaku Shichiweirdos waved fare-well fondly.  
  
And then, the Doors of Spiffiness slammed shut one final time.  
  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
  
Tomite stared up blankly at a large sign that exclaimed, "WELCOME TO HEAVEN!!!" Eighteen glowing figures approached himself and Hikitsu (two of which, a glowing red god and a glowing blue god, were making faces at each other).  
  
"TAKIKO-SAN!" Hikitsu exclaimed happily, jumping up and down.  
  
~*Indeed,*~ said Genbu-seikun solemnly. ~*Welcome to Heaven.~*  
  
Hikitsu and Tomite were immediately swamped by deceased seishi of all gods, as well as their own comrades and miko, Hikitsu enjoying himself immensely. Tomite, however, was rather overwhelmed. He caught sight of the aforementioned cross-dresser ("But I'm over that stuff now!"), as well as a large, wolf-like man who promptly offered him a lemon biscuit. Tomite's heart grew heavier and heavier.  
  
Sure, it was Heaven, obviously, he thought, but he didn't see what was SO great about it. Even with all of his lost friends with him, even with escape from Hikitsu if he needed it, even-  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tomite collapsed to the fluffy ground, sobbing with sheer, unrestrained joy. The Celestial Beings stared at him rather oddly (except for Hikitsu, who was used to this kind of thing by now), but Tomite paid them no heed whatsoever.  
  
His hat  
  
was GONE.  
Dark brown hair flowed freely about his head. A deep sigh.  
  
Bliss.  
  
~owari~  
  
[1] Means "eyepatch-boy"  
  
[2] Means "marble(as in a cats'-eye)-head"  
  
The lemon biscuit quip was a wink and a nod to Purple Mouse and her incredibly enjoyable version of Ashitare. Go read "Ashitare's Story" to see what I mean -it's a stitch!  
  
So, there we go! One weird one-shot! :p I hope you all liked. ^^; I'm THINKING about doing a Byakko one, about either Subaru breaking Tokaki's leching habits (read: TRYING), or both Subaru and Tokaki trying to comfort and stop Tatara from his 90's-teen-esque lost-girlfriend remorsing.   
  
What do you think, no da?  
  
~Akai 


End file.
